I really enjoyed the Daring Greatly book by Brene Brown. I didn't want to read it because it was some book by a psychologist on having courage to be vulnerable and frankly that didn't seem at all appealing or needed, but I had already checked it out, via a friend's high praise for it, before I knew what it was. So...I thought I'd peruse. And when I did I started enjoying it.
I liked this book because as a parent I want to raise my children to reach their greatest potential and for our home to be filled with love. (Which at times seems hard--like when I'm yelling at Ethan)
So....here are my notes (and some graphics I found online that go along with them). I hope you find time to read this book if that is also important to you...
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What we know matters, but who we are matters more!
3 Lies of Scarcity (the never-enough problem)
1. Shame: ridicule, belittling? self-worth tied to achievement, productivity, compliance? blaming and fingerprinting? perfectionism?
2. Comparison: held to a narrow standard instead of acknowledged for unique gifts and contributions?
3. Disengagement: fear of taking risks or trying new things? Easier to stay quiet than share? Does it feel no one is listening or paying attention--struggling to be seen or heard?
Quoted Lynne Twist: “When you let go of trying to get more of what you don’t really need, it frees up oceans of energy to make a difference with what you have. When you make a difference with what you have, it expands.
“I suggest that if you are willing to let go, let go of the chase to acquire or accumulate always more and let go of that way of perceiving the world, then you can take all that energy and attention and invest it in what you have. When you do that you will find unimagined treasures, and wealth of surprising and even stunning depth and diversity.”
“The happiest and most joyful people I know are those who express themselves through channeling their resources – money, when they have it – on to their highest commitments. Theirs is a world where the experience of wealth is in sharing what they have, giving, allocating, and expressing themselves authentically with the money they put in flow.”
Buddha “ told his followers that whatever they chose to give their attention, their love, their appreciation, their listening, and their affirmation to would grow in their life and in the world.” So when we focus on what we lack (too busy, not enough money, not pretty enough or skinny enough, etc.) – well, that’s all we get.
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Vulnerability: uncertainty, risk, emotional exposure
Need to name shame in your life to identify it so as to overcome it.
We either own our stories or we stand outside them
Mindfulness: taking a balanced approach to negative emotions. Don't over-identify or exaggerate emotions.
Perfectionism:
- is more about perception than internal motivation
- self-destructive/a form of shame...try to minimize shame, judgment and personal blame; which leads to further shame, blame, "not good enough"
- is not same as striving for excellence. It's defensive and compares to others and seeks outward approval.
- hampers real achievement in long run and leads to depression, addiction, missed opportunities and contentment.
Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. - Voltaire
2 Guiding Strategies (on listening to external voices)
1. Only accept and pay attention to feedback from those who are "in the arena" with you
2. Have a list of names of people whose opinions matter to you. To be on that list they must love you for your strengths and weaknesses
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Strategy (what we want to achieve) vs. Culture (what we are)
10 questions about family culture
The "disengagement divide": who we are vs. what we know/who we want to be (our practiced values in conflict with our expectations)
- identify your expectations...manageable?realistic? On self and others? The same.
Leader: one who holds the self accountable for finding potential in people and processes
Learning and creating are inherently vulnerable. Ask questions. Be ok looking the fool.
Signs of Shame in your Culture: blame, criticism, gossip, favoritism, name calling, harassment
Vs.
Daring Greatly Culture: honest, constructive, engaged feedback given with empathy (not force or shame) discomfort is normal and going to happen...cultivate courage to be uncomfortable as part of growth. Empathy, accountability and belonging.
Blame: the discharging of pain and discomfort
Shame can only rise so far in any system before people disengage to protect themselves.
"If blame is driving, shame is riding shotgun."
Guilt (did something bad) vs. shame (you are bad)
Shame is painful for children because it is linked to the fear of being unlovable. And they are dependent on parents for all--feeling unloveable s a threat to survival. Trauma.
You can't shame proof children. But can nurture and build worth and create culture of worth, not shame.
If we feel good about ourselves we don't have to say mean thing about others.
Hope is a function of struggle. Our stories of being enough, begin in our families. We either fight to reclaim our self worth or gain hope, courage and resilience. Compassion and connection give meaning and purpose within our families.
If you're uncomfortable in your role as a leader, it's almost certain you are not reaching your potential as a leader.
